Monthly Archives: April 2007

anti-playoff beard

[UPDATE: my motivation:  Beezer and Rob]

it’s amazing I’ve been able to keep going this long. it’s also kind of pathetic what little I have to show for it…


now, bear in mind that it is reddish-brown with hints of grey (ack!), so it might not look as thick as a darker beard. whatever. IT HAS UNKNOWN POWERS TO THWART THE MAPLE LEAFS ENEMIES!

yes, I’m cropped below the eyes, because like the neighbor on Home Improvement I want to be able to get work after this blogging gig is over.



Filed under aging, boogie woogie, freedom, homies

father of the year

I think I just squeeked ahead of Alec Baldwin.

[update: 4/21] So where do all you strict parental disciplinarians fall on this one?  Is Alec Baldwin an evil animal, or was he setting his 11 year-old straight with a verbal lashing because she didn’t adhere to some pretty basic rules about being reachable (having her cell phone on)?

I’ll throw out the first pitch — I never experienced a verbal tirade like this from my parents, but it doesn’t strike me as that over-the-top.  If it was a parent with a 15 year-old daughter who was out past curfew or drinking or something, it probably wouldn’t seem extraordinary at all.  Heck, if we can handcuff and arrest 6 year olds, surely we can speak to 11 year-olds like they are adults.  Calling your kid a “disrespectful piggy” isn’t what I would classify as abusive behavior.  Throw a psycho-ex-wife into the mix, and I almost feel bad for the poor guy.  (This was almost certainly more about Alec and Kim than about his daughter — kids always get caught in the crossfire.)

Oh I’m sure he’s a total prima dona, probably thinks the world revolves around him, but he’s a big shot Hollywood actor — they all think that way.  I doubt I agree with anything he thinks or says about politics — in fact I’m pretty sure he still owes us all a one-way trip to Canada due to the outcome of the 2004 election…  and he’s probably an environmentalist-whackjob of the first order.

So why do I defend him?  Three basic reasons:

  • “PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN. Coffee is for closers.”
    (And the “What’s your name?” line that I can’t quote here…)
  • “You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.”
  • 30 Rock

His performances on SNL also contribute to the goodwill that should get him past this ugly episode.

So have at it kids — don’t you agree that Alec went too easy on his daughter?  🙂


Filed under I believe the children are our future

[untitled continued]

I can’t believe [untitled] generated so many responses… my response was so long that it warranted a new post… here’s some source material: Kindergartner Charged With Felony Tantrum. Also this must-read article on how schools are turning discipline over to the police as standard operating procedure: (I know I said must read, but truthfully I haven’t read it yet. I will…)

My points with the original post (and the original article, I believe):

1) police are not equipped to handle children; if they create a children’s unit with trained children’s counsellors and child-sized handcuffs and keeps them isolated from adult criminals, well then maybe that’s O—- what the hell am I saying? that’s still messed up. I know many of you will even deride this half-way solution as “too liberal”, so I guess that’s not a smart idea on my part.

2) there are a lot of things that people do that we don’t like, but criminalizing the activity is the not the right thing to do. I’ve ranted on this before — the long list of marginally bad things that we’ve criminalized has marginalized crime in general. you all know how I feel about seatbelt laws, cellphone-driving laws, etc. throwing a tantrum in school should not be a crime. the kid should have received punishment and consequences, but from the school and parents and not from the state.

3) teachers who complain about being “victims”, “assaulted” by a 6-year-old are pansies; if they are backed into that corner by liberal lawyers, well that sucks, but it doesn’t change the fact that adopting a victim mentality like that makes you a weak person. if the situation is so horribly dire, grow a pair and leave. go find a school that will back up and support their teachers, or find another vocation where you are not expected to be treated like a punching bag for troubled youth. trust me, I’d much rather see the institutions change to empower teachers than see them all leave, and I’m not saying that this would be an easy decision or process, but life isn’t easy or fair. deal with it.

and I know you’re all going to think this is a huge stretch, but I believe the impotence of teachers and loss of control in the classroom is directly related to the fact that it’s a public institution. if educational institutions were privatized and could decide who gets to stay and who is expelled, that would contribute to a solution. this gets back to my whole “get government out of education” theme…

another point, branching off #3 above — the whittling away at teachers rights/power in the classroom (to the point that they are helpless victims of a 6 year-old) seems to be directly comparable to the reduction of our individual liberties in the name of fighting drugs, terrorism, immigration (etc). I try to demonstrate examples where conceding power and decisions to the state is a bad idea, I’m accused of being a liberal (which I am, in the classical sense, not in the Liberal-vs-Conservative sense). so which is it? please, choose one side or the other, just stop being hypocritical.


Filed under dumbfounded, I believe the children are our future


This should please all you law-and-order types out there… no namby-pamby liberal kids-gloves here:

When 6-year-old Desre’e Watson threw a tantrum in her kindergarten class a couple of weeks ago she could not have known that the full force of the law would be brought down on her and that she would be carted off by the police as a felon.

But that’s what happened in this small, backward city in central Florida. According to the authorities, there were no other options.

“The student became violent,” said Frank Mercurio, the no-nonsense chief of the Avon Park police. “She was yelling, screaming — just being uncontrollable. Defiant.”

“But she was 6,” I said.

The chief’s reply came faster than a speeding bullet: “Do you think this is the first 6-year-old we’ve arrested?”

Full blog post. “I weep for our future” comes to mind…


Filed under dumbfounded, freedom, I believe the children are our future, sad, stupid government

Snoop on Imus

I couldn’t figure out what to possibly say about the whole Imus thing, and I’m glad I didn’t.  But I read this today, and I’m afraid it might not have received the attention it should have from the main stream media.  It’s Snoop Doggy Dog on

It’s a completely different scenario. [Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about ho’s that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing sh–, that’s trying to get a n—a for his money.

Well that certainly clears things up.   So sayeth Snoop, so sayeth the dog pound?

p.s. Sorry that you had to read that mom.

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Filed under dumbfounded, homies

an open letter to MIKEFOX

First of all, MIKEFOX, let me tell you how much I admire people with vanity tags, especially ones that spell out their own names. I imagine it’s so you can figure out which car is yours in the parking lot. But I guess it’s fortunate for me — it gives me a chance to address this to you.

Not that I haven’t considered vanity tags myself. In fact, I’ve thought up some really hysterical ones that play off my name, and others that combine my name with the model of the car — Oh! they are funny. But I won’t bore you with them here. See, every time I start to seriously contemplate applying for those tags, I punch myself in the face as hard as I can, just to remind me why I should never do that. Apparently nobody punched you in the face soon enough, so you shall be known to all who cruise down I-270 and around the Capitol beltway as MIKEFOX. (Maryland tag MIKEFOX, I should specifiy — there may also be a Virginia tag MIKEFOX but I don’t want to get them involved.)

Yes, you daftly demonstrated how you could maneuver your Lexus GS350 as you virtually merged into me getting from the HOV lanes on the 270-spur to bear right onto 495. Cut off is too gentle a word — your rear wheel and my front wheel were about to become one wheel until I tapped the brakes. I hope you didn’t interpret my hand gesture rudely — I was simply holding my hand out in front of me like a serving plate towards your rear-view mirror (not that you’d regard your mirrors): “This space is kindly reserved for you, MIKEFOX,” — that’s all I was saying. Not a stray finger was extended…

I was pretty sure you got the point since you then proceeded to slow down and drive within the posted limits IN THE PASSING LANE… ON 495… It had to be a conscious gesture, as driving that slow in the far left on 495 is a death wish, an invitation to be overrun.  A moment later you confirmed that too, and I bet your pants got all tight when you dropped the hammer, belched out a puff of black smoke from your tinny Japanese exhaust, and accelerated left into the merge lane. A beautiful display. Seriously, I have done a lot of pointless, aggressive things in my car (you have to when it’s a precision-engineered sports coupe as Blue as a Smurf’s birthday suit), but the random “slow down, then gun it” thing has always escaped me — it’s just never been my thing. Luckily I didn’t have to put my car in Sport-mode or drop into 5th gear to match your pace after your short lead. I knew the merge lane would end soon enough.

And it did, and just as you did with me, you cut off another car. This time a hapless minivan. Wow MIKEFOX, you must have really felt a rush of superiority racing a Chrysler Town and Country and scaring a soccer-mom. Nice. I dropped into the lane causally behind the van, no need to cause a scene. You can imagine my surprise when I passed you a few miles later, me cruising at normal Beltway speeds and you meandering in the FAR LEFT LANE.   Again. Ugh.

So how is that 2007 Lexus GS350? It sure is a pretty car. Was it your wife that said you could go for the GS350, or did you get it to impress your girlfriend? How is your midlife crisis treating you, MIKEFOX? Must be pretty treating you pretty well. I have to wonder, did you cut me off because of the way I was flirting with that G35 back on 270? I know you had command position in the left lane, and I darted up the two right lanes which were flowing alternatingly left and right, the G35 chasing and passing in a little dance, two youngsters playing while the crusty old guy sits behind a row of traffic in the left hand lane… I really love it when I catch a flow between traffic like that, it’s fast and it’s fun. And I’m not so aggressive that anyone would get hurt… and the G35 veered off to the right towards Virginia, another all-too-brief morning-commute interlude.

Is that what you miss MIKEFOX? Is that why you felt the need to catch up later with your raw straight-line acceleration, and why you’re so angry that you cut people off? Or is it that you don’t know how far your back-end extends? Middle age can do that to you MIKEFOX — I learned this the hard way: if your slacks look short, you aren’t getting taller, your ass is getting big. It’s true. I’m not sure if I’m talking about your butt or your bumper at this point, but really, it’s all the same.

Maybe our paths will cross again, MIKEFOX. Maybe I won’t notice because you’ll blend in with all the other dirty-black Lexi and Toyoti on the roads… but if I see your tags, Maryland: MIKEFOX, I’ll be sure to tip my hat and clear the way. God speed.

[btw, if by some bizarre twist of fate MIKEFOX = Michael J. Fox, let me retract this whole thing and just say that I idolized Alex P. Keaton growing up and I sincerely hope you kick Parkinson’s ass.]


Filed under attempt to be funny, cathartic

addiction, thy name is Facebook

hola.  I suppose it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I’m almost embarrassed to say why.

I’ve been on a bit of a bender.  3 days, a week, two weeks… it’s hard to say how long it’s been.  it has gone by in a blur.  all I know is that I have 51 friends — if you join now you can be number 52.  it’s not that 51 is a bad/low number, it’s just that I find it hard to believe that [name withheld] has over 120 friends… I mean, they were a real loser back in high school.  so, not that it’s important that I have more friends than them by next week, but seriously, if I don’t I’m quitting Facebook.

Oh, I can quit Facebook.  I can quit anytime I want.  it’s not like it has some kind of hold over me… it’s easy to resist going back and checking the group for my adolescent summer camp or the group for my middle/high school — it’s EASY to resist.  I just CHOOSE to keep those pages open in a tab in my browser and refresh them every five minutes because, hey, you never know who might have posted something witty on the wall, or who might have posted a picture with me lurking somewhere in the background (blurry and obscured — but I know it was me) and I need to tag it so everyone knows it’s me.  or better yet, I can tag it AND write the first witty thing in the comments for that photo.  that’s so perfect; that’s exactly how they’ll all remember me from high school, as the witty blurry lurking guy.  PERFECT.

no — just like coffee, online Texas Hold’em, and RedBullAndVodka before it, Facebook is not an addiction, it’s just another small thing that contributes to the whole person that is me.  and at least 51 people like me for that person that I virtually am, so who am I to decide to just stop?

and like I said before, if you act now you can be #52.  no pressure.


Filed under desperate, funny, pick any two, sad