So I caught Sixteen Candles on cable this evening, and I can’t seem to change the channel once John Hughes gets a grip on my television. At first I thought, “hey, somebody should remake this, update it a bit, but keep as much as possible.” Then I realized how much of it just wouldn’t translate anymore. In the age of Super Sweet Sixteens,
- kids don’t learn about “that stuff” at school, they learn about it on the Internet.
- Sam’s friend wouldn’t freak out about a “black guy?!” oh, and there would have been a token-black-guy in the movie. (which, in it’s own way, would be whack.)
- I don’t think “party serious” translates to 2008.
- instead of obsessing over her bust (and getting felt up by her grandparents), Sam would have been all-kinds-of-pushed-up since she was a ‘tween.
- Sam’s sister wouldn’t have taken a handful of muscle relaxants, she would have either snorted oxycontin or tweaked. or probably both.
- making fun of Asian exchange students is no longer acceptable, having them push our “lawn cutting machines” and asking “where – is – my – aut.o.mo.beeel?” Long Duck Dong?
- I don’t think I’ve seen kids in head-gear in at least 10 years — did we outlaw them, or has it been replaced by Invisiline?
- nobody smokes for breakfast anymore, at least not in the movies.
- long, drawn out shots of Matt Dillon, with no dialog on his part, just don’t play the way they used to. I kept thinking, “is that his Dylan McKay look?” then I remembered Dylan McKay didn’t exist for another 6 years. (oh, and Jim Stark just called; he wants his look back.)
- “Mr. and Mrs. Rice-Chex” isn’t nearly as funny as it was in 1984.
- with the Internet and YouTube, nobody is going to shell out $1 to see a pair of underpants.
- with digital cameras, you’d never have your “picture with the prom queen” ruined by waiting 60 seconds for a Polaroid to develop.
- floppy disks are no longer a viable form of currency.
I wish I could come up with another 3 reasons, but I’ve given this too much thought already.
